Moan for me like Helen Keller
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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