Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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