There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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