I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
