sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
