it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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