i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
