oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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