Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You can't special order awesome
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
