Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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