I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
