Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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