I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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