Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
