I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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