What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
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Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
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I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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