I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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