So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
