why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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