I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
