She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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