No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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