Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
