im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
