You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
