she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
