there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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