im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
