he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
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Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
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My penis needs a shock collar
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize