Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
