Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
