Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
