I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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