i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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