Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
