I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
