She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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