Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
