Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
