So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
