im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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