we have pet lesbian snakes
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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