I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
