I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
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I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
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all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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