I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
