Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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