I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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