I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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