she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
