My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize