Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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