i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
