My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
