I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize