Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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