I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
