Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
